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The “Old Playmate” Test

May 25, 2010

I passed!!! But it was a tough test. I ran into an old playmate over the weekend. He was from back when I was in my addiction full force. We were nothing more than drug buddies. The instant I saw him, I began to crave. All the “wonderful” memories of doing an Oxycontin swept over me immediately. I wanted one! I could almost taste it running down the back of my throat and then feel that warm sensation all over my body. I even went as far as asking him if he had anything. He didn’t. Thank God. (Seriously, thank you God.) What would I have done if he had one? Would I have actually snorted an Oxycontin with him? I’m scared to answer these questions. I don’t want to ever go back to that way of life. Those so-called “wonderful” feelings I was remembering were all only temporary fixes. After the high was gone, then I was back to my rock bottom way of life. I am now certain that I cannot associate with any of my old playmates. I really knew this all along but this weekend was proof even more. These people are a part of my past. And in the past is where they will remain. I’m moving forward and looking for some new (drug free) playmates.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. May 26, 2010 6:42 pm

    Wow, I am so proud of you! It has to be difficult to recognize the temptation and then turn your back on it! Good for you!

    • May 27, 2010 11:42 am

      Thank you! Yes…very very difficult. Thank goodness my past is a constant reminder of where that road leads.

  2. May 30, 2010 2:16 pm

    God is looking out for you. You are strong enough to do this and I hope that you are as proud of yourself as we are.

    • June 1, 2010 2:22 pm

      Thank you! Your words are not taken lightly at all. It’s means so much to me to hear such encouraging words. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  3. peglud permalink
    June 3, 2010 12:25 am

    This was a wonderfully honest post. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of what it must feel like to experience a craving. I wonder how long that temptation phase lasts? For the rest of your life, ya think? I’m so interested in your recovery and how you’re able to keep yourself clean/sober. You represent such hope and encouragement to me – that maybe my daughter can eventually get to where you are. You are very courageous and I admire your strength and determination. I give you an “A-” for passing the test. (The minus is for asking your playmate if he had any oxy on him”.) However, I may change the minus to a plus, since you acknowledged your momentary weakness and moved forward. OK – I’m now even giving you “extra credit”! Stay the course! Peggy

    • June 3, 2010 2:22 am

      Thanks for the extra credit!! Hey, I’ll take all the points I can get. I had too many years of “F’s”! In regards to the cravings, I seriously doubt they will ever go away. I believe that I will grow stronger and stronger in fighting them but I seriously think they’ll remain a part of my existence. I have always been the type to feel a need of self-medicating in order to experience some sense of “normalcy”. It’s truly the core of who I am. Although I may not be able to change this, I do not have to surrender to it.

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