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Wasted Money

June 1, 2010

<img src=”pile o money” alt=”money” />

When I think about all the money I have spent in the past on drugs, I literally get sick at my stomach. I have attempted to actually add it up in the past and I am not exaggerating when I tell you it exceeds $100,000. This is even more depressing when considering my financial situation today. Since getting clean, I’ve struggled to get my financial house back in order. At times, I cannot pay my bills. Of course, I’ve got years of financial obligations to catch up on because when I was a drug addict, paying my bills was the last thing I had on my mind. It’s all catching up with me now and it can be very depressing. I’ve obviously ruined my credit also. My life will never be the same as before I was a drug addict. I will pay for those days for the remainder of my life. It simply sucks!

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. June 1, 2010 5:32 pm

    Hi there,
    I understand that you are in a financial mess. My daughter is too. I have always wondered how she would ever pay back her debtors. Well, guess what, she is still not concerned about this, because she is still using! College degree, married, 2 kids, living on welfare. I get sick to my stomach thinking about it. You have come a long way realizing the damage you have done financially. But you have not killed yourself with drugs! Everything else can be taken care of in time. Talk to a debt counselor or to your debtors and make pay arrangements. Chip away at it a piece at a time. You are a survivor, you are in recovery, clean, what else could be better! You were able to get a grip on addiction, everything else will fall into place.

    • June 2, 2010 2:43 am

      Thank you for your comment and advice. I do need to try and set up some kind of pay arrangements. I hope they will work with me as I can only afford to contribute a small amount each month. When I think about how much I owe, it becomes overwhelming. But if I can focus on the little steps that will lead me to financial stability someday, then I think I can make it. I pray that your daughter will find the “better way of life” soon. Every day lived as an addict is such a waste. There is a beautiful world waiting for her. I pray she gets help and finds this beauty (financial mess and all).

  2. June 1, 2010 6:30 pm

    Well h-e-l-l-o… been there done that and still trying to get through it day by day.

    The only advice I can say to you at this very moment is, money can be made, credit can be repaired but regaining your life back is PRICELESS!!!

    You are ALIVE woman and you are living life clean and sober. Celebrate! Don’t look back.. what for anyway? You already know what’s been done and what the consequences were, are and whatever…

    CELEBRATE and REJOICE!!! You are VICTORIOUS!!! :))

    • June 1, 2010 6:43 pm

      You’re right, I do have a lot to celebrate and rejoice for. There is nothing nor no amount of money that I would trade for having my “clean and sober” life now. I may not be financially stable but I do have peace in my life and that is worth more than anything. Thank you for reminding me of this. Even if I have days when I feel as if I’m spinning my wheels, at least I am spinning them without being drugged.

      If you don’t mind me asking, how long ago has been since you got “clean and sober?” What was your drug of choice? Did you go to rehab?

      • June 1, 2010 11:17 pm

        I started with smoking dope when I was in high school. Some say I was a “late bloomer” because back then, ’79-’80, it seemed that everyone was a pot head. Wow.

        Pot was fun. For me anyway. Anything that could make me laugh so hard over the stupidest shit, was fun. We didn’t rob anyone, we didn’t hurt anyone… we just smoked and laughed and ate cereal out of great big bowls in the middle of the night.

        From there I went onto to cocaine and there was the onset to my downfall. Coke was all I wanted. I smoked it and snorted it and had a love/hate affair with it. I loved it right before I would snort it but hated it or rather, hated myself once it was inside my system.

        Pills weren’t really “big” back then. I had a few friends who did luudes but that was about it. I on the other hand stayed away from pills. Pills for me were b-a-d.

        From there came crack. That was a short lived experience and I’m thankful for that. At the time, there was no drug that could grab a hold of me with such strength like crack did. Crack scared the shit out of me and because of that, I tried it once and that was good enough for me.

        I’ve smoked hash… tie sticks, blunts, and coke laced joints but I always remained “loyal” to weed. I think I even said once, “I’m going to die with a joint in my mouth!!” What a stupid ass.

        I got clean by means of separation of everything drug infected; i.e. location, friends and anything that triggered those god awful receptors. I was clean for a long long time. I am happy to say that I have not done any one of the above mentioned drugs (except for weed) for over 17 years!!

        In 2005 I became sick. I began experiencing numbness in my arms and after extensive tests, I had to have neck surgery. Medically speaking, I was introduced to “legal” drugs via the medical profession. At the same time of my illness, my youngest son was going crazy. Skipping school, hanging on the street and doping. I was unable to cope with all of this and was put on Xanax along with high blood pressure meds and anti-depressants as well as pain killers after having neck surgery.

        I soon found out, Lortab was a great way to escape my pain both physically and due to the goings on of my son. Mixing the Lortabs w/Xanax was great for me. I was not doing any street drugs but that was only because the ‘scripts were doing it for me.

        I learned to lie to the docs to get more dope. Not one doctor questioned my need or wondered why I wasn’t getting better; they just continued to write the ‘scripts and I continued to self medicate.

        I ended up having to resign from my job because I didn’t want to return back to work; being high was far better for me but I never gave a thought to the fact that resigning from my job meant I’d lose my medical insurance. Once the insurance ran out, the drugs did too. That was back in 2006.

        The issues with my son have continued though. He did a stint in the Army but got court-martialed because of his own drug issues. While he was gone for that year and a half, I was at peace. No drugs of any kind. I had lost weight, was loving life and even got married. Then he came home.

        I’m now back on Xanax but that’s all I’m on. In all honesty, I don’t know if I can make it through the day without knowing I have my meds with me. He continues to live with me, we fight constantly, we have no respect for one another and because I have such a bad temper, the Xanax help me to stay calm and keep my mouth shut.

        I know this response is a lot more then what you asked and for that I apologize but I wanted to give you a bigger picture of who and why and what I am about. It’s not everything but I’m sure you get the jest of it. I’ve been addicted to street drugs and legal drugs… I’ve never been to rehab a day in my life and I guess you could say that I’m just trying to stay sane and make it through… one day at a time.

        One more thing… I commented to you once before about not labeling myself an addict. I know others will read all this and say I was and probably still am but the way I justify it in my head is, I have used legally and illegally… but if I call myself an addict, then an addict I will remain…

        You have found a friend in me…. 🙂

      • June 2, 2010 2:38 am

        Thank you so much for sharing! And you have found a friend in me indeed! I can relate to the need to self-medicate in order to deal with everyday life. I loved the cocaine too, including crack. I also smoked weed when I was young, in high-school. I began drinking then as well. I guess that’s the time when I discovered that I “needed” something to make me feel better. I just didn’t feel good without some kind of mind altering substance. However, the hard stuff (cocaine, crack, & pills) didn’t start until I turned 30. It was all down hill then. It took about 5 years to begin losing everything in my life. But I did. And basically, when I finally lost my scripts, that’s when the bottom fell out fast. My money went for nothing else but to maintain my 160 mg/day Oxycontin habit as well as cocaine and crack along the way. I lost my job, my house, my family, my friends, my life. Luckily for me, my mother stood by me through thick and thin. She fought for me when I could not fight for myself. She dragged my butt to rehab several times. Finally, the third time I got clean. That was almost 4 years ago. I’ve relapsed several times since but only enough to scare the living daylights out of me. I hopped right back on the wagon and vowed not to ever go down that road again. It is the saddest and most miserable life anyone could have. I do call myself an addict. I believe I have been one since birth. I inherited that gene. I will always have a desire to use. The difference for me now is I choose not to use because I am fully aware of the consequences.

        Thank you again so much for sharing such private matters in your life with me. It is comforting to reach out to someone I can relate to. 🙂

  3. June 2, 2010 2:57 am

    I know how depressing that this can initially be when it looks like there is no end to the mess we’ve managed to make of our lives, but with time and patience, you’ll soon notice that things do indeed start to become better. Initially, everything seems so very overwhelming and daunting, something that no addict just starting recovery is really set up to cope with properly. It’s enough to reach for our security blanket, until you really start to understand and accept and believe that this was how we got into this mess in the first place.

    Believe me when I say it gets better, and I mean, really gets better. Today I’ve got two savings accounts, both of which have more than healthy balances – with three zeros after each amount!!! Plus, we’ve got no credit card debt nor any sort of bank loan or credit extension and we’ve managed to do this in just over four years. We’ve both even had job setbacks these past two years because my husband had been severely beaten and stabbed a couple of years ago and hasn’t been able to work since then. That’s an entirely other story…

    Don’t despair. You’ll find your silver lining one day.

    peace, love and happiness…

    sickgirl

    • June 2, 2010 10:08 am

      Thank you for your inspiring words. I hope to one day be at peace financially as you are. It is incredible that you did this in 4 years. That gives me so much hope. Perhaps you’ll share some tips on your blog as to how you recovered financially after addiction. I love reading your blog and appreciate your openness in regards to your addiction and recovery.

  4. peglud permalink
    June 3, 2010 12:38 am

    Just read Ocala Blue’s fascinating response to your question about her drug use history. It’s so easy to see how a “habit”/addiction can creep up on you. It’s a lesson for all of us. And, your own journey is amazing. A feeling of gratitude washed over me when you mentioned how your mother stood by you and always tried to help. I hope my daughter feels the same way about me. And, I can’t help but think that your financial situation will improve – that actually talking to creditors and showing them your good intentions will often result in a fair amount of debt forgiveness. I think most people feel more generous to people who have made mistakes in the past, and are now getting their s*it together and are really trying to make amends. Thinking of you and cheering you on. You are an inspiration to me and give me hope. Peggy

    • June 3, 2010 2:25 am

      Thank you Peggy. I really appreciate your kind words. I pray that your daughter makes her way to recovery. I pray for all addicts every day. I want to reach out to each and everyone of them and tell them they don’t have to live that way. There are other options. Your daughter may not realize how lucky she is to have you right now, but one day, after she is sober, her gratitude for you will emerge. Hang in there.

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