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And the list grows

June 8, 2010

Cementary near Shelburne Farms

A death occurred last night. Another addict is dead. It was a car accident. I can’t help but wonder if he was using or not when it happened. Based on my own personal experience, he probably was. It’s so sad. The list of former fellow addicts who have died continues to grow. I have known so many that have either died in a car accident or have died from using. One of my best friends from high school followed the same path I did in addiction and was killed in a car accident a few years ago. Yet, here I am, still alive and out of the addiction cycle finally.

I feel guilty. When I hear of another addict dying, I feel guilty that I have survived. Why am I still here? Why didn’t I die when I was using? I know I must have come really close on many occasions. The good Lord above spared my life. I am thankful yet guilt-ridden with every new death. It could’ve been me. Why wasn’t it me?

I also think about all the times that I was using and not in my “right” mind. What if I had died like that? Would I have gone to hell? Based on my belief system, the answer is yes. It is a sin to be in a “drunken” state, according to the preaching I grew up listening to. I was in a “drunken” state for about 5 years of my life and yet somehow I remained alive and escaped the wrath of hell. I pray for the souls of addicts who have died in this condition. I pray that somehow, someway, their hearts and minds were right with God. I pray they too escaped the wrath of hell.

If I could just save one addict from going any further down this path, then perhaps I would be able to better cope with the death of another one.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. June 9, 2010 1:03 am

    Wow what a powerful post. I understand the guilty feeling, however I like to believe that your HP kept you alive because you would eventually gain sobriety and share your experience, strength and hope with others there by saving countless lives. God bless you.

    • June 9, 2010 2:57 am

      Thank you. I would like to become involved directly in helping other addicts. God has a plan for me, I know He does. Just wish I knew what that plan was.

  2. June 9, 2010 2:19 am

    I am glad that you have survived addiction. You lived to tell other about it. I wish you could tell my daughter because according to the latest reports I have she looks like a ghost of herself. I am worried sick for her and her little kids. I am so happy that you broke the spell. What is the secret?

    • June 9, 2010 3:01 am

      I wish there was a secret to it. I would shout it from the roof tops! But there is no secret. I’m not a professional but I think that the addict has to hit rock bottom before desiring to get clean. And “rock bottom” is different for each person. I went to rehab twice but the desire wasn’t there. My counselors told me each time when I left that I hadn’t hit “rock bottom” yet. They knew I would be back or at least they hoped I would. The final rehab attempt worked. At that point I was humbled because the only left for me was either to get clean or to die. I’m keeping your daughter in my prayers. May God lead her to sobriety.

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